Do you ever have just NO MOTIVATION? I have so many things that need to be done
*House cleaned
*Floors swept {sand everywhere...mostly thanks to Charlie rushing in and out!!}
*Stimulating ativities played with the children
*Car cleaned and vacuumed
*Back porch swept and yard picked up {This one also thanks to Charlie!}
And the list could go on, yet here I am sitting...
I just feel like I need to get these thoughts out of my head and then maybe life will get going again.
Today--I wish Charlie away
I discussed it with Abbey and she was in hysterics for 30 minutes {which also caused me to cry} and realize that I may not be able to do it. I may be stuck with this animal until his death {how long do Beagles live?} and that may end up being even more traumatic for her!
This brings me to the next point on my list. {MOTHERHOOD.} Constant worrying that you are doing a good job, the RIGHT job. {Is ripping a loved puppy out of my daughters arms and selling him away going to ruin her forever?} {Am I too negative with my children} {Do they know that they are loved} Constant worrying that you just aren't the mother that you always hoped/KNEW you would be.
And then having those thoughts confirmed by your children. It's awful. Abbey and I have had our battles lately {it's hard raising ...yourself} She will break down in tears while being punished and tell me that I have made this the worst day for her and I'm an awful mother. Although, I know she is just upset or tired and she doesn't really MEAN these things...it still makes me stop and think. How is it that a 5 year old even has such thoughts?? I'm really messing this one up! And then the days go on with battles over {What to wear!} and {how to have their hair done} all the while, sibling fighting along the way! {which to be fair to the girls, they get along often, but when they don't...ARGGH!}
Somedays, it's just TOO much--too much fighting over hairstyles and clothes that just DON'T match, too much crying, too tired, too bored! It's a hard job. It really is. And it's a super IMPORTANT job, which makes it worse. You can't just quit or even get FIRED. These children are depending on YOU to make them better people {they just don't know that yet} They are counting on you to give them what they need to make it in this scary MESSED UP world. AND that is what I call PRESSURE!
So, today as Makayla screamed and cried that she didn't want her hair done the way I'd done it and she didn't want to wear the clothes I picked out, I realized that raising these STRONG, INDEPENDENT woman might be a major CHALLENGE!
{They are only 3 and 5--just think 10 years from now...}
Am I up for it?
I don't know.
But they are my girls, my angels, and they are teaching ME to be a better person {they don't know that yet either} They bring out the worst in me at times, but they LOVE me anyway. They have changed my life in an un-describable way. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I {obviously} didn't know all the challenges, worry, fear, and frustrations that came with being a mother BUT I also couldn't comprehend all the JOY that being a mother would bring me either.
And maybe today isn't one of the days that I'm feeling the JOY {although, I think that's more my fault ...and Charlie's } I spent the weekend feeling sicker than I've ever felt before...tired, exhausted, and in pain. My house is a mess and my kids are sick of being stuck inside. BUT today...it's cold, it's overcast, it's gloomy. SO, one more day we stay, inside. BUT I'm feeling better and hoping that tomorrow my motivation will come home {and my patience too!} and this house can get cleaned up. {why is it that everything is better when the house is clean?} and the kids can get taken to the park, play games and "make believe" and I CAN ENJOY IT!
I don't even know the point of that...I guess I'm hoping I'll feel better getting it out of my head and onto, well, this. I'm hoping there are other mother's that feel inadequate and worry they are going to screw their children up. I'm hoping there are others who will give me advice on how to help my girls have their independence {but still know that clothes have to match and there are certain rules that need to be followed} I like letting them be different and think for themselves, but sometimes I just want them to wear the clothes I picked and not have it be a HUGE ordeal. Is that too much to ask?
13 comments:
Hey Rach ... sorry I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted you to know that I loved your post and how honest it was - I can relate to a lot of it even though I'm new to this whole mom thing but it is important and a lot of pressure comes along with it wondering if your doing all you can and should be doing. I think your an amzzing mom and I hope I can be as good to Lincoln as you are to your girls - love ya
Rach! You are an amazing mom!!! I feel the same way. I just keep telling myself well they are getting feed so I am doing most of my job. right? ha ha I wish I had all the answers. This is for sure the hardest job ever! I miss ya & love ya!!
Oh Rachel! I think every mom has those days. I sure as heck do! I hope tomorrow will be better for you. You can only do your best and keep plugging along day by day. (Go get something sweet and snuggle up watching a chick flick...that always makes me feel better!)
vent away my dear.
i think it's good for the soul now and then { i obviously do it far to often..}
i hear you on the no motivation thing. i plan all day at work what i'll do when i get home. after the long commute home, all of that goes out the window, and i just want to veg in front of the computer of t.v. uggh.
just keep doing what you're doing! i'm sure you're great! ;)
What is your problem, seriously?! Just teasin' Rach. I guess you need to go back and read a few of my venting blogs. I really think they help. I'm sure wondering though, ARE YOU PREGO? Is that where the tired mom and concern of being a good mom is coming from? {not that you can't have those feelings when you're not prego. I should know} You're a terrific mother...better than me. I just let the boys wear un-matching clothes to avoid the fight. Of course I can see that I'm already more picky about Jul's stuff [clothes, hair...]
rach. I felt like I was reading my own post there for a minute til I got to the clothes matching part. I say just let them wear what they want. They might not be the "trendiest or cutest" kids around but maybe they will be the happiest. I love seeing kids that dress themselves. It makes me happy. And also this might be just me but recently (dealing with the frustrations of a 3 year old, which I know will get worse as she gets older) I have loved having my youngest Kassidi. She reminds me so much of Kaylee as a baby and how I felt when I held her too. And the things that I get mad about now seem less important (unless of course it is something that must be taught. then you have to hold your ground and know that someday they will understand why). So if you aren't pregnant already maybe you should get pregnant. :)
Also a random thought I had. Remember Mrs Jensen honors english. I hated that class for so long. It was so hard I couldn't see the reason for it then but by the end of the year it was my favorite class and to this day still is. I am so thankful for Mrs Jensen's hard work and never giving up on me.
Oh PLEASE RACHEL!!!! You are a wonderful mother! Plus we all feel like that some days.....and sometimes more days than we really planned on. Motherhood is a hard job. It's hard to feel motivated to teach & play & clean & be happy. Blame that darn puppy of yours....and the winter blues....because nobody likes it when the sun never comes out!!!!!!
I obviously have nothing to add about raising kids (although my 30 year-old is well-behaved). But I did want to say my parents have two beagles. They're not like obedience-school trained or anything, but they know where they aren't supposed to be and they generally do what they're told. They raised one from a puppy. Call my mom up sometime if you want some tips. Goodness knows I don't have any!
Thank you for putting my all my thoughts in writing for me! I have been feeling that same way lately except I am not dealing with some of the stuff you are. I feel so inadequate some days and and worry stress I am doing everything right or wrong. Hence my post on not even knowing how to feed my own child :) I am so glad to know I am not alone in this and others feel the same way some days. You are an amazing mother. P.s. Can we come play at the park with you guys sometime??
Oh Rachel...I honestly think the worry and stress and everything else that goes with it is all a part of the job! And it just goes to show how much you love and care for these sweet little girls. Pick your battles, if you are just going to the park or staying around the house let them wear whatever and let them practice on their hair that day and as for the other days let them know that it is your turn! I have learned the hard way that some things just aren't worth fighting over.
I love reading your blog and I think you are doing an amazing job with your girls, they look well cared for and happy and you and RJ look happy as well (you might want to start picking out his clothes though! lol, j/k!)
Anyway, you are wonderful and as far as I can remember one of the most happy and nicest friends ever! Enjoy your girls and relax, sometimes the house is a mess, just don't let anyone in that day!
As for the dog, I wish someone had told me how hard it was to have one as well, it is like having another child to take care of!!! Don't take the dog away, just have it run away one day, or ask her if you guys can give it to a sick little boy that doesn't have any siblings or friends and he really needs your Charlie. Just make his disappearene top secret whatever you do, or just tuff it out, it will get better and then he will just become a part of the family..go watch Marley it might motivate you! Good luck with everything! You are awesome and a great mom! Take care Rach!
I loved ReAnn's shout out to Mrs. Jensen's class. It made me smile. I recently cleaned out some papers and found all these handouts we'd had to make after reading a "self-help book". I had totally forgotten about it, the handouts were funny - pulled on my heart strings to see Carrie's and John's though.
Anyway, everything is crap when you're sick. That's all there is too it. I hope you guys are feeling better at your house and enjoying our intermitent days of sunshine.
You are a wonderful Mother. I stand by - forever - that the most important thing for kids is to feel loved. Let the rest of it go as much as you can. (Not that I always follow my own advice on this, but I want to.)
Good luck with the dog. I don't envy you there.
Rach, I've always thought of you as a terrific Mother! You've got two girls with a lot of spunk and that's because they have such a fun Mom! Emily has turned out fine and I sold Charlie, her chocolate lab, after six months. He completely ruined our yard and I just couldn't handle the poop...I was pregnant with Wyatt...and he just was so wild she didn't play with him anyways. She has a mouse now that lives in a house in the garage...I'm still not a fan, but at least it's a lot smaller and quieter of an animal! Keep doing what you're doing because you're doing such a great job as a mother!
I haven't looked at blogs for a long time, and realize I am missing out. This post was profound. I love you, my dear daughter. You girlies are lucky to have you as their mom. Hang in there, one day it will all be worth it!!!
Love--YO MOMMA
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